Seeing the Good Things: Why Positive Attention Improves Behavior
Did you know that getting attention from your parents is a survival skill? Yes, it’s true. Children (and humans in general) are biologically wired to seek attention from others. We need to be seen, heard, and perceived by others, especially when we’re young.
Why is attention, especially attention from parents, so important? To state it bluntly, children who receive the most attention get the most resources. They get the most time, the most focus, the most help. Sometimes they even get the most affection and love. So having your parents notice you, in either a positive or negative way, is something children need.
The other interesting part is that the intensity of attention matters. We want a strong reaction from people, even if it’s a bad reaction. Haven’t you noticed people on Instagram or TikTok “going viral” for an unpopular opinion? If a parent is distracted, many children will escalate behavior until a parent is actually yelling at them. A calm, neutral reaction is too weak. Even though being yelled at is unpleasant, at a core level at least we know that we’re being noticed.
What’s the solution for this negative attention-seeking? Increasing how intensely we notice and respond to positive behaviors. If children need a strong reaction, let’s give it to them! But let’s give it to them for doing something Good, like sharing, instead of something Negative, like calling their brother a “poop face.” The stronger attention we give to a Good behavior, the more your child will repeat that behavior for more attention. Of course, the stronger attention we give a Negative behavior, the more a child will repeat that behavior for strong attention.
So, how do we focus on good behavior if nothing special is going on? What if your child is just sitting there, coloring with crayons? That’s not very impressive! What is there to notice?
Ask yourself this question instead: If my child were not sitting there, coloring with crayons, what other problem behaviors could they be getting into instead? They could be hitting their brother! They could be screaming in a high-pitched voice over and over again without stopping! They could be annoying the dog! They could be pulling all of their clothes out of their closet and throwing them on the floor while staring at you and laughing with glee! The coloring with crayons is looking pretty impressive now, right?
The first part is noticing good behaviors, which include neutral behaviors. What’s great about drawing with crayons? Your child is entertaining themselves alone. Your child is playing gently with the crayons. Your child is expressing themselves through art. Sounds great! Those are wonderful things to do!
The next part is providing strong, positive attention for this positive behavior. The easiest way is to make a labeled praise, or a specific praise, where you are very clear about why their actions are awesome. Some examples include:
“I love how you have been playing by yourself with those crayons! You’re getting so good at entertaining yourself!”
“I think it’s wonderful how you’re expressing yourself with your drawings! I love seeing your ideas on paper!”
“You know how to take good care of our art products! You’re drawing gently with those crayons, so they will definitely last a long time.”
Your child hears this praise and thinks, “Wow. The way to get my parent to pay attention is by drawing with these crayons!” And suddenly you see MORE of this behavior. The other positive part? While your child is doing this positive thing and getting so much attention, they are not breaking the rules or pushing your buttons at the same time.
Does noticing the good things and giving more attention seem hard? Are you reading this advice and thinking, “I need some real help with attention! I can’t imagine doing this on my own?” If so, you may really benefit from Parent-Child Interaction Therapy. Teaching parents how to increase their positive attention (and also increase positive behavior) is what PCIT is designed for, and one of the many reasons it works so well.